Loneliness of separation

The single most necessary thing required for the survival of the human heart is love.  Without it we cannot survive.  We crave the love of another person for the same reason that we crave food, water and sleep.  Just as we cannot last long without food and water… so it is also that we cannot last long without the warming sustenance of love before our soul begins to perish and we slowly and painfully begin to decay from the inside out. Just as the human mind begins to fall into delirium as it longs for the calm of sleep … so too does it begin to fall into a state of madness and despair when deprived of love’s soothing reassurances.  To be a woman devoid of love is to be non existent in this life, nothing more than a ghost. I am a ghost. I am non existent. My name Nobody, Daughter of Nobody.

A lifetime without Love is of no meaning. Love is the Water of Life … Drink it down with your heart and soul!
Know that all but the lovers are fish without water, dead as desiccated… though they be even the highest viziers
(Mathnawi 1:1909-10)

The tragedy of human’s existence in this dunya is separation. Before we were even conceived in the womb of our mothers we were once united in the endless Unseen Ocean of the Divine. But now, the tiny drop of my existence has fallen into the barren desert of this illusionary world, apart from the waters which gave me life. As long as my soul is separated from its true companion, my life is as false and meaningless as the ornaments this dunya.

In this fleeting life I am constantly overcome by such intense feelings of depression and anxiety. When I was lost and suspended in the Ocean, I was limitless. Now separated and free, I am so limited, so insignificant — For when the drop of my existence is no longer a part of the vast Ocean — I can so easily be wiped out. One single tiny drop can so easily be evaporated by the heat of the sun or dried out by an arid wind. My life in exile and separation is teetering on the very edge of complete annihilation … and this awful fear is the root of my chonic anxiety.

I am a free woman bound by these chains of exile searching endlessly for a means to find my way back home, to You. Waiting desperately for a light to lead my way. Wondering if we will be together soon? Until when can I bear the weight of this agony? Until when can I bear this separation? Or will I spend my days wandering this dunya as a vagabond seeking in vain until the desert turns my bones back into dust???

Lord, please help me to find my way through this mortal world. I know that all pain and suffering is but a test for the believers and so I gladly accept any burden you may place upon my heart without asking the question: “Why?” For I know that the plan you have designed is far too grand for my mind– limited by the flaws of mortal reason– to ever comprehend in this lifetime. But I trust in you. And Lord, please help me to empty my heart of the false and temporary comforts of this fleeting world so that I may begin to fill instead it with Grace and Nour, inshallah.

Dear God, please have mercy on me I beg.Give strength to my weary heart and heal my broken soul. Amen.

-Shams Al Ghayeb


On The Palm Of Fate We Walk

No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by God’s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it is yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee.

-Umar ibn al Khattab

Recently someone that I loved very much was suddenly torn from my life.

A little while back i was engaged to be married to a man I thought was the epitome of ideal husband material. Well educated, stable, a successful business man, family orientated, handsome… what more could a girl ask for? Everything was going perfectly, and everyone talked about what an extraordinary match we were.  We thought alike, shared the same ideologies, goals and interests, and had the same personality type.  We were two birds of the same feather.  We were in love and I thought he was my soul mate.  Then one day someone in his family decided that he must instead marry a girl from their village back in the balad.  Perhaps a family member prayed Istikhara and interpreted a negative result, or perhaps a family member decided that a girl like me wasn’t acceptable.  Maybe it was the fact that I was of a different nationality, or maybe it had to do with the fact that I was already a mother… or maybe the fact that I was an orphan with no roots or impressive geneology to speak of … whatever the reasons I will never know. Whatever the reason was, I was deemed unfitting. The worst part was that I didn’t even find out from them, I had to hear it from a friend of the family.  Afterward, he still came to me to tell me how much he loved and wanted to marry me and have children with me.  I told him that if he loved me he should have fought for me. He talked about marrying me as a second wife — an offer I refused.

As a result of this I went through a very dark period in my life overcome by an intense depression.  I cried all the time – when i woke up in the morning, I cried wishing next time I just wouldn’t wake up anymore… I cried throughout the day as all the places I passed, all the people I saw, the songs i heard on the radio reminded me of him. I saw his face and heard his voice everywhere… and I cried at night sitting in my empty home and hearing my sobs echoing through the seemingly immense void that was left inside my heart.  I often couldn’t find sleep at night, stopped eating and starved myself for weeks, became physically sick to the point I had to be admitted to the hospital several times and when I was well, I found excuses not to go to work or out with friends because I couldn’t even bare to face myself in the mirror, let alone face others.

I kept asking God, “Why? Why did this happen to me? What have I done to displease you so much? How can I bring my love back? What can I do to change his family’s mind?”  But these were all the wrong questions.

A few nights ago — its been almost 3 months since my breakup — I woke up to pray Fajr and at the end of my prayers, instead of asking God once again, “Why?” I asked God instead to help me through this situation, to guide me through my despair and begged forgiveness. I began sobbing uncontrollably and banging my head on the ground, I dont know how long I stayed there like that, but i eventually cried myself to sleep right there, on my sajadah.

When I woke up there, hours later, that morning I remembered verse 216 of Surat al-Baqarah:

“But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you.  And Allah knows, while you know not.”

As I reflected on those words, I felt an incredible sense of calm come over me and so finally there came the point I was able to say, “Al-Hamdulillah.  All praise belongs to God.  Thank You God for removing this person from my life, and even though I am incapable of understanding now your reasons, I will not questions this because I realize that the answer may not be important for me to know at this time in my life and only You know what is best.  This person could have brought me harm or hurt me in way that was worse than what i am feeling now.  Thank You God, for it could have been worse.”  They say that without darkness — there would be no light … without sorrow — no joy.  So thank you God for putting me through this trial, because you may be preparing me for something or someone far greater — something or someone that I may have otherwise taken for granted.

Today for the first time since this began, I woke up with a smile on my face.  I have finally understood that there is nothing wrong with me — I am smart. I am beautiful in my way. And I have been sincere in my intentions — and that is what matters the most.  I finally accepted that this union, even though I had wanted it so much, was never meant to be and nothing I could have done differently would have changed the outcome.   I do not know what my Naseeb holds… but I do know that so long as I keep God first in my heart above all else in this Dunya… whatever it is will be beautiful, Inshallah.

على كف القدر نمشي ولا ندري عن المكتوب

“On the palm of fate we walk, and we do not know what is written”

Allahu Allam.  God alone knows.

-Shams Al-Ghayeb.