Indigo

Loneliness of separation

The single most necessary thing required for the survival of the human heart is love.  Without it we cannot survive.  We crave the love of another person for the same reason that we crave food, water and sleep.  Just as we cannot last long without food and water… so it is also that we cannot last long without the warming sustenance of love before our soul begins to perish and we slowly and painfully begin to decay from the inside out. Just as the human mind begins to fall into delirium as it longs for the calm of sleep … so too does it begin to fall into a state of madness and despair when deprived of love’s soothing reassurances.  To be a woman devoid of love is to be non existent in this life, nothing more than a ghost. I am a ghost. I am non existent. My name Nobody, Daughter of Nobody.


A lifetime without Love is of no meaning. Love is the Water of Life … Drink it down with your heart and soul!
Know that all but the lovers are fish without water, dead as desiccated… though they be even the highest viziers
(Mathnawi 1:1909-10)

The tragedy of human’s existence in this dunya is separation. Before we were even conceived in the womb of our mothers we were once united in the endless Unseen Ocean of the Divine. But now, the tiny drop of my existence has fallen into the barren desert of this illusionary world, apart from the waters which gave me life. As long as my soul is separated from its true companion, my life is as false and meaningless as the ornaments this dunya.

In this fleeting life I am constantly overcome by such intense feelings of depression and anxiety. When I was lost and suspended in the Ocean, I was limitless. Now separated and free, I am so limited, so insignificant — For when the drop of my existence is no longer a part of the vast Ocean — I can so easily be wiped out. One single tiny drop can so easily be evaporated by the heat of the sun or dried out by an arid wind. My life in exile and separation is teetering on the very edge of complete annihilation … and this awful fear is the root of my chonic anxiety.

I am a free woman bound by these chains of exile searching endlessly for a means to find my way back home, to You. Waiting desperately for a light to lead my way. Wondering if we will be together soon? Until when can I bear the weight of this agony? Until when can I bear this separation? Or will I spend my days wandering this dunya as a vagabond seeking in vain until the desert turns my bones back into dust???

Lord, please help me to find my way through this mortal world. I know that all pain and suffering is but a test for the believers and so I gladly accept any burden you may place upon my heart without asking the question: “Why?” For I know that the plan you have designed is far too grand for my mind– limited by the flaws of mortal reason– to ever comprehend in this lifetime. But I trust in you. And Lord, please help me to empty my heart of the false and temporary comforts of this fleeting world so that I may begin to fill instead it with Grace and Nour, inshallah.

Dear God, please have mercy on me I beg.Give strength to my weary heart and heal my broken soul. Amen.

-Shams Al Ghayeb

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